Thirteen and One

Cold open — mid-thought, reacting.

RAZORThirteen-and-one. Thirteen. And one. That's not a streak — that's a statement. I've seen teams get hot. I've seen teams catch fire. But the Wankers right now... Carla, I don't even know what to call this.

CARLAI'd call it time to start the show.

RAZORRight. Yes. Let's do that.

Theme music.

CARLAWelcome back to Foul Territory. I'm Carla Streich, alongside Razor Shines. This batch of games ran a little longer than usual — bigger chunk of baseball to digest.

RAZORHow long are we supposed to sit on our hands between episodes? I had notes going stale. I had theories going stale.

CARLAYou survived.

RAZORBarely. Let's get into it.

CARLAWe'll start with the obvious. The Huanca Wankers went from eight-and-nine to twenty-one-and-ten. A thirteen-and-one run. A seven-game win streak still breathing.

RAZORWhatever Broyles is doing over there, it's working. That clubhouse has figured something out.

CARLAMeanwhile, the Iron Knob Explosions went the other direction. Eleven-and-three, now seventeen-and-eleven.

RAZORSix-and-eight stretch. For a team that looked like a runaway train three weeks ago.

CARLAHarris dropped from first to fourth. The Rick Astleys have quietly taken over first place.

RAZOR

Flat.

RAZORHave they?

CARLABurris grinding out wins.

RAZORThat's one word for it.

CARLAThe PC Beach Hurricanes are on a fourteen-game losing streak. At some point you have to wonder what's going on in that front office. It's like they're managing from a different dimension.

CARLAStandings through May fifth. First: Rick Astleys, twenty-three and eleven. Second: Huanca Wankers, twenty-one and ten. Third: Fugging Honey Badgers, twenty-one and ten. Fourth: Iron Knob, seventeen and eleven. Fifth: Nicaragua, eighteen and twelve. Sixth: Knockemstiff, seventeen and thirteen. Seventh: Oak Ridge, four and twenty-eight. Eighth: PC Beach, two and twenty-eight.

RAZORSo the Astleys are first?

CARLAThey are. However, if you're going by winning percentage, the Astleys are actually third at .676. The Wankers and Honey Badgers are both at .677.

RAZORSo Burris got first place the same way someone wins a pie-eating contest — by eating more pies.

CARLAThat's one way to frame it. Regardless, it's a three-way race at the top. Half a game separating one through three. And then the Nukes and Hurricanes combining for six wins in sixty games.

RAZORHistorically, hilariously, bad.

CARLAThe Astleys. Scott Garrelts four-and-oh, 1.84 ERA. Bryn Smith five-and-one. Dennis Eckersley is perfect in save opportunities. Eight for eight.

RAZOREight for eight. Three of those were one-run games where one mistake ends it. Eck comes in, throws strikes, goes home. No drama. Automatic.

CARLATettleton producing. Eric Davis producing. This team just keeps finding ways to win close games.

RAZORBurris runs that team like a spreadsheet with a pulse. Cold. Efficient. No wasted motion. You're not going to out-calculate him.

CARLAYou don't sound thrilled about it.

RAZORI respect it. I don't have to like it.

CARLANicaragua — eighteen and twelve, holding fifth. Clemens still leading the league in strikeouts. Saberhagen turned it around. The rotation is fine.

RAZORFine.

CARLAThe story is Tom Henke. ERA is down to 5.40, but he's still sitting on three blown saves.

RAZORTrust is earned, not calculated. You can have a pretty ERA and still make your manager nervous every time you jog in from the bullpen. Moving on.

CARLANow the Wankers. David Cone three-and-oh, 1.73 ERA. Chris Bosio at 1.91.

RAZORThat's two starters pitching like aces.

CARLARobin Yount has forty-eight hits. League leader. Batting .353. Nine-and-one in their last ten. Seven-game win streak.

RAZORYount is locked in. He's not chasing, he's not guessing. He knows what's coming and he's putting good swings on it.

CARLAThe Honey Badgers made some moves. Released Cerutti, Magrane, and Reuschel. Signed Bankhead, Bielecki, and Dave Stewart.

RAZORThat's not a tune-up. That's an overhaul.

CARLAAnd I did anticipate they were going to shift things around in that department.

RAZORCredit where credit is due, Carla. You did.

CARLAThe Explosions are the team I can't figure out. Orel Hershiser five-and-oh, 1.06 ERA. Four complete games. That's Cy Young caliber. Best performing starting pitcher in the league. And yet the team went six-and-eight over this stretch.

RAZORHow does that happen? It's a paradox. I don't have an answer.

CARLAAnd then there's Bobby Bonilla.

RAZOROh, Bonilla Baby.

CARLA.437 average. .480 on-base. .851 slugging. 1.331 OPS. Fifteen-game hitting streak. Kevin Mitchell leads the league with fifteen home runs. And yet the Slap Daddies dropped from fourth to sixth.

RAZORYou've got the hottest hitter AND the home run leader. How are you moving backwards? Bonilla drives in four, Burns gives back three. That math doesn't work.

CARLAGeorge Brett, Honey Badgers — general injury, day-to-day, expected back May eighth. Lonnie Smith, also Honey Badgers — hit by pitch, back May sixth. Danny Tartabull, Rick Astleys — back May thirteenth.

RAZORWho threw the pitch that got Smith?

CARLAI want to say it was against...

RAZORHad to be the Astleys.

CARLAProbably the Astleys.

RAZORCouldn't have happened to a nicer organization.

CARLAI think we see Iron Knob right the ship. There's too much talent on that roster to keep sliding. Hershiser can't carry them alone, but at some point the bats wake up.

RAZORI'll take the Wankers. Win streak hits double digits before it snaps. Cone and Bosio are both dealing, Yount's locked in, and that team has confidence right now. When you believe you're going to win, you find ways to win.

CARLADouble digits. That's ten straight.

RAZORThey're at seven. I'm saying they get three more.

Old landline ring — loud, jarring.

CARLAWe've got a caller.

MELCarla. Razor. I've been waiting for this. Alvin Davis. .358 average. .442 on-base. And that's against right-handers. Against lefties? Even better. I've been saying this for weeks.

CARLAYou have been saying it.

MELThe man gets on base. It's not complicated. You put him in the lineup, he reaches. Every single day.

RAZORHe's not wrong.

MELThank you. Now, about Hershiser — I've been tracking his run support, and the numbers are —

New voice cuts in — Dale Figgins, trucker, completely different energy.

DALEHey, first-time caller here. Quick question about the Hurricanes —

MELI — wait, I wasn't finished —

Distant background: "Mel, hang up. Dinner's ready."

MELEvery time...

Click.

DALE— is there any chance they turn this thing around, or are we looking at a historically bad season overall?

CARLADale, thanks for calling in. Short answer: it's looking historically bad.

RAZORThe Hurricanes and Nukes are combining for a level of futility we haven't seen in this league. I don't see a path back. Not this year.

DALEYeah. Well. Word around the truck stops is maybe they finally get some help in the offseason. Shake up the front office. Bring in some real competition.

RAZORWord around the truck stops?

DALEI'm just saying. People are talking.

CARLAWe'll believe it when we see it.

RAZORI've heard "next year" from those organizations before. Next year never comes.

DALEFair enough. Appreciate you taking the call.

Click.

CARLAThat's going to do it for this edition of Foul Territory. I'm Carla Streich.

RAZORRazor Shines.

CARLANo perspectives are out of bounds.

Theme out.